Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
gm
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher