State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.


I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.


As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.


Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name


I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.


CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.


i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time


*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want


HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked