statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
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Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.