Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.