Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
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I would like even faster food.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
translated into Canadian
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong