stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
You Might Also Like
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”