STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
You Might Also Like
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Banking tips
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
next question.