Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Autocarrot sucks!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.