Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum