Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Girl, same.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
nobody’s gonna understand
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
This took me a second..
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.