Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My boss called in sick of me
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”