@nevernicethings

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

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@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

@MaraWilson

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

@isabelzawtun

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

@onion_an

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

@jonnysun

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@GrantTanaka

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

@ThatB_OverThere

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.