“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.