Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
accurate
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate