‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.