*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.