*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.