*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
and this one
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.