Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
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Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Breaking news:
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes