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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.