Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.