@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

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@ohhelloitsmax

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@valerie_tosi

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

@ScottPopescu

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

@PoodleSnarf

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

@KentWGraham

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

@Quanty_J

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

@texasstalkermom

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

@English_Channel

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?