Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.