Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.