Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.