step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
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Europe. Made in Germany.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.