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I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.