Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.