Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
That’s enough internet for the day
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’