STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Sending in my taxes
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
cyclists