@IdiotRyanKahl

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

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@sliceofheck

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

@LuckoftheDraw86

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

@jacaristar

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

@ElyKreimendahl

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

@ShaunRightNow

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

@iwearaonesie

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.