stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I just ran a .003048K
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?