Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
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[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again