*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Welcome to the stomach
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out