[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Well, this is awkward
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.