[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.