Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
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WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.