[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.