[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO