*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
What the hell is going on?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.