Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

So that’s what we looked like?

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.