*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.