Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE鈥橰E SORRY
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don鈥檛 like having to talk to people.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: I鈥檓 sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You鈥檒l have to come back tomorrow
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I asked Mom how she鈥檇 like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
HIM: I鈥檓 not crying, you鈥檙e crying
ME: we鈥檙e all crying, this is a funeral
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero 猸愶笍s. Do not recommend.