Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
You Might Also Like
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore