Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs