Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.