Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.