STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.