[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.