Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]