STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
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What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I would like even faster food.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head