[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I can also cook 😂
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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