Stick it to the man
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.